AnOublietteofThought

Crumble, crumble. Wind sweeps stage. Crowd controls a drifting cage. Lost and found as rage drills south. Mad engagement filters doubt. Bricked remorse enforces rule. Discourse belittles prancing fool. Stein. Stein. Quipped to brine. Disposed debaser drifts to pine.

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.

Today's music inspiration.

It looks like my visual snow was accurate. I thought about starting to keep a journal again like I used to for earthquakes and tornadic activity or electrical storms. I stopped a long time ago. It just makes it worse. Older me is curious though. Especially with the mitochondria. I really think it's all connected. I could be wrong, of course. But I do think it is all connected.

I am just extremely sensitive. I don't see it as a disorder, or a disability, or a syndrome. I really don't. I understand why it is overwhelming for people who suddenly start doing it later in life, but I've been this way my entire life. It is all I know. Yes, the visual snow has been much stronger the last few years. But, from a scientific perspective that would make sense considering the solar maximum.

When we look at animals and insects, we don't question when we discover that their sensory systems are different than ours. I can't help but wonder with all the different forms our ancestors came in, and with all the genes that exist in our history, could it not be that some persons are just not as desensitized to their surroundings as the majority of humans on the planet? Why do we call that something wrong? I don't feel like having visual snow or sensing these things is a wrong or a negative thing. It is who I am. It is who I have always been. It is as normal as breathing to me. To not have it would feel weird. It would be like an amputation.

Due to my age, I grew up with this before there was even a name for it. I would speak about it and nobody would know what I was talking about. The sparkles in the sky on a clear blue day were beautiful. They looked magical. It was like standing in the middle of a snow globe because all the static is going on, but then all of those sparkling squiggles come out to play. The red dots are terrifying as a child who read Stephen King. As a child whose family was religious, it brought very different thoughts to mind. Since they don't dissappear when you close your eyes, there was no hiding under thr covers and escaping them.

I think maybe some people are just more sensitive to it. It's like how some people can get shocked more easily from static. During the colder months I literally will not touch anything metal with my skin I pull my sleeves down over my hands and try other ways to open doors because it shocks the hell out of me. Dogs and cats come up to get lovins and we both get one hell of a painful shock. Is that the same? I don't think so, but perhaps a similar path. I don't know. But it's natural to me.

I can't stand to be around electricity. I don't like the way it sounds. I don't like the way I feel when I'm around a lot of electricity. I can mostly tune “normal” levels out. When I was younger and I would walk by stereos they would turn on or off. Anybody who has known me really well and lived with me or been around me a lot makes fun of me for my impact on electronics. I don't do it as much anymore. So I'm not sure if something in me has changed or something in them has changed, but newer systems aren't the same. I can't stand most fluorescent lights. I hate going into buildings because you can always feel and hear sometimes smell the electricity. And that's just normal. I don't like deep vibrations at all. My body is just really attuned to certain things and it loses its shit around them.

I would really like to go to sleep right now. I have not slept much in the last 48 plus hours, but I am wide awake. Semi-anxious but not really anxious. I feel quite calm but there is a buzzing in my body that makes me feel like I need to wear off some energy. I'm also tired at the same time, so I don't feel like trying to go do something about it. I don't know.

I just know that I feel better seeing that something occurred. Luckily the major part of my migraine from then is still staying at a lower level where I can tolerate it, write, communicate, Etc. It feels like tingles dancing underneath my scalp. Not tingles. If you're older, something that kids would dare each other to do would be to stick their tongues to a D battery. That zap that you would feel on your tongue is what my scalp feels like right now but it's under the scalp I can feel that it's under the scalp but it's a strange sensation. It's like a headache plus something else. I just know it as this is a minor migraine. It lets me know that I have to be somewhat careful because I could set it off very easily, but it does not incapacitate me.

For now my visual snow is dancing. There is the snow which is the Poltergeist static. There is the red dots, the blue dots, and some more intense white dots. There's also clouds but the clouds are black right now. Which is interesting. I can see the beginnings of horizontal stripes, but they're not bold enough yet for me to see what color they're going to turn into. I can just see the black parts of it shadowing over or behind the dots darkening those areas. There are vertical lightning flashes that are occurring on the right side. And I sense/see anything moving even with my eyes closed and a mask over them completely blocking out light. If I move my hand back and forth my brain sees it. Or rather the shadow of it. If I turn my head to look around the room, even though my eyes are closed and all of that is on top of them, I am seeing the images that I know should be there. Except it's just all different depths of black. That's not necessarily atypical for me. It's just stronger right now. The purple has showed back up it's more of a magenta purple but it's what the horizontal stripes are going to be because there's a center one that is formed and I can see the others beginning to form. So I should probably put my phone away.

That is the visual snow update. Maybe I'll start writing the journals again about such things. Maybe not. I have to decide on that. I wish visual snow researchers would really reach out to those of us who have had it from birth and have lived a half a century or more with it. Because we had it before people were thinking something is wrong with you. People just literally didn't believe us. I imagine that looking at our brains would give a lot of clues that do not exist in those who develop it later in life. Because our brains have had to adapt our entire life to it. I also bet that those of us who have had strong examples of it throughout our entire life would happily step up for such tests. Especially if it gave someone younger information that we did not have. But I don't think that anything is wrong with me for experiencing this. I think that is a perspective thing. Yes, it can make certain aspects of a modern world challenging and sometimes impossible, but that does not mean something is wrong with me or that it is a disability. It just means that my brain experiences the world differently than what has come to be expected. Different is not always a dysfunction. It's just a thought.

I think I'm going to circle back to mitochondria because it's my journal and my thoughts scatter and loop. Just something to envision and consider. I see mitochondria as the much larger, much older, somewhat equivalent to mycelium in a completely different manner. Except they're actually in mycelium as well. They go hand in hand with how I view reincarnation. We like to think of ourselves as individuals even though we know for a fact that everything on this planet and beyond is interconnected. What if individuality is just what happens when a deeply interconnected lifeform is looking at itself from the inside?

Do we blind ourselves from our own purpose and reality because we've taught ourselves to fear the process via the instructional resonance of our language? Do we hold ourselves back because “different” means accepting our own “identity” might not be absolute? And most importantly, do you listen and feel your body sing? And when you do, how good does that smile feel?

When are we going to stop talking at the fellow life of our world, expecting it to obey our “wisdom” as opposed to listening with it and nurturing an understanding of unity?

Soon, I hope. Soon.

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.

Since I always ask myself questions around my birthday, I thought I would do so here. I don't know if I'll be posting this on my birthday or not. I don't know what questions I will be asking myself. I will probably give some LLM a convoluted prompt and see what it spits out, then select a few.

I am a woman who has circled the sun 54 times in this form. In the Wesrern (Tropical) Zodiac, I am a Libra Sun/Capricorn Rising/Sagittarius Moon with a Libra stellium. In the Vedic Zodiac, I am a Virgo Sun/Capricorn Rising/Scorpio Moon. My Chinese Zodiac is Outer Shell Water Rat/Inner Animal Metal Dog/True Self Wood Tiger/Secret Persona Fire Sheep (Goat). Since some cultures and persons believes it matters, I'm O (Negative to be precise. Don't come for my kidneys or my brain. Trust me on that.) Splash a hefty dollop of INFP and INTP confusion into the mix, and voila! You either get someone who's well-balanced or out of their ever-loving-mind. Since I'm a Libra, I see no reason not to be both. Do enjoy the visuals if you've made it this far.

53 was not easy. Many illusions were shattered. As were a few trusts. My empathetic and analytical sides were at constant odds with each other. Multiple occurrences completely outside of my control decided to waylay me. As did a few within my control. I would say that it was probably the second most challenging year of my adult life from a psychological perspective. I am not leaving it behind without a few scars. And that's just fine. Scars add depth, and we all need a little more depth if we wish to grow.

I think the most challenging aspect has been continuing to hold on to the ability to believe in others as well as myself. On the personal side, I'm very aware of the obstacles I face and how they complicate matters. On the societal side, I really struggle a lot. A lot would be an understatement. That disappoints me in myself because I do not want it to be true. There is a massive emotional part of me that needs people to be and do better. The rest of me thinks she's unrealistic and shit out of luck because humans are... human. I've developed some approaches in dealing with the duality. I'm sure their development will continue with this next year.

I think I'll find a few questions now because otherwise I'll likely share more than I want to since I use this blog/journal for me. I'm still aware other people can read it, as much as I might try to hide that awareness from myself. It gives me anxiety to be so open, but at the same time I think it a healthy practice.

1. What happened this past year that would have seemed impossible to the person twelve months ago?

No matter what, I have long held one thing to be true as a non-negotiable fact. One of those come hell or highwater, in spite of anything else, it would remain true. Like I could trust it with my life kind of true. That got annihilated in the ugliest, most unbelievable, still blows my mind a year later kind of way. I'm currently in a place where I have to acknowledge it's not really all that surprising when using hindsight and being extremely real with myself. But I also have to acknowledge that it ripped out something from within me that I had fought my own emotions to keep secure. I hope that there will come a time when I can have that belief, albeit different, burn so vibrantly within myself again, but I am unsure if that's possible. It is one of those areas where acknowledging reality and human nature utterly destroys me.

2. If the year could testify against the version of events I tell about myself, what would it bring forward as evidence?

Ouch. I'm too understanding. Even typing that makes me wince because it really goes against my belief system. I let people get away with things I'd never allow myself to get away with. Mostly because they appear to be incapable of understanding otherwise. And I've really had to look at how I see reciprocity. Not in action, but in spirit. I really want to believe the best in people. We all have flaws. Everyone makes mistakes. But humans are selfish as fuck for the most part. It's a small group who is not and who both understands and willingly sacrifices. I don't even think most are self-aware enough to realize what they do. It breaks my heart. I want to believe the opposite, but our actions simply won't allow me to.

3. What did I stop tolerating, and was that the result of wisdom, exhaustion, resentment, or some combination of all three?

The crossing of boundaries. In fairness, I definitely allowed it more than not. I would say it a result of all three. Exhaustion because it just gets that way. Most people are very one-sided on the energy suckage scale. Resentment because I find it extremely challenging to believe or accept that an intelligent person doesn't know what they're doing. Wisdom, or perhaps a step in that direction, is that to say “no” doesn't stop us from being kind, and someone getting upset with us because we draw a line does not mean we're causing harm. Sometimes we have to fight our nature. It sucks a lot, but it is just what it is.

4. Who entered my life this year and changed the questions I ask, rather than simply supplying answers?

This person did not enter my life this year, but they've been in it more. They don't take. It's just three small words, but they're eye-opening words. There is reciprocity. Not because it's called out or even required. It just is what it is. I think we both pay attention and the doing so matters. I find a comfort in that balance, and I think their own behavior has helped me to realize just how much I do tone myself down and smooth myself out for the comfort of others. It is nice to not need to do that. Not that I'm throwing my daffy side in their direction, but they get most others. I enjoy the calm, and I enjoy the thinking.

5. What would I like to know by the end of next year that I cannot know without living through it?

I hope I will get to a place where any form of dependency I might have on someone is by choice and not need. I'm working on it, and that would give me great comfort. I would like to have trust and love in a partner that I could see enjoying life with. I'd like to be able to fully be myself with someone who is doing the same, and those selves compliment each other.

That's really the big two. They're big enough on their own. Everything else is sprinkles and just fits into place. I'd like to be able to be completely at ease and loved whether I'm nerding out, ranting, questioning everything, or splattered head to toe in paint. I'd like to be able to not worry about my appearance as far as superficial nonsense goes. I'd like to be seen for my mind and heart as opposed to my appearance. I would like to be able to show my vulnerabilities and they be accepted as opposed to the constant masks. I would like to have a cat again.

I would like to hold my head high while being completely unmasked and naked and still be absolutely ok if every single person in the room screamed and ran in the other direction. If there were other equally naked individuals grinning, unmasked and doing their thing, that would be awesome.

That's my goals for this next year. They're pretty simple. Toss in all the obvious learning, volunteering, artsy endeavors, and add not imploding from the insanity of the world to the picture, and I think it pretty complete. Having lots of sex would be utterly amazing as well, but if not that is what the bottom drawer is for — I love myself. And hopefully, I will continue doing so for many years to come.

Happy Birthday (somewhere around now) to me!

PS... 54!!! I'm seriously ancient! I have chin hairs! I refuse to braid them. I've developed a deep understanding to the attraction of comfortable clothes. All joking aside, I do actually like myself for the most part. Even the parts I'd like to improve, I still accept. I am not who 18 year old me thought I would be at this age, but I'm pretty happy with the results thus far. If I come out of a box of chocolates, I am the dark chocolate covered toffee deliciousness. A nibbler might get cavities from my unexpected sweetness, but I am totally worth the bite. Watch out 55! I'm coming for you!

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.

Tonight I listened to a video on recent studies of mitochondria when I couldn't go back to sleep. People get so annoyed with me when I get all excited about mitochondria. Probably because I say we're their meat suit/vessel I am all about keeping them giddy since so much of what we do does the opposite, and I firmly believe that their health impacts us in ways our story of self just isn't ready to acknowledge.

This is probably one of my top three favorite things about the internet — the available information. We no longer need take a specific professional's word on something. Listen, yes. But then we can dig and dig, educating ourselves further. Also, since most persons specialize on specific niches and only collaborate if they have the right mindset or incentive, as individuals we can big picture or Joinks the hell out of something. It's one of my favorite things to contemplate and research.

There is such delight, annoyance, and heartbreak in just allowing the mind to wander. It gives me the tingles just thinking about it. To do so truly changes how one sees everything. It becomes impossible to see the world from an I perspective once a person really engages in heading down such paths. It is also so utterly refreshing to recognize we know so little and have so many wrong assumptions that we can't even begin to guess out the amount of knowledge we have zero grasp of. I'm betting most of it. So much to learn! EeeeEeeeEeee!

I suppose I will try to go back to sleep now. I started wearing a monitor again to attempt to see how often I'm managing to cycle through deep sleep. As of this moment, it has said I took a sporadic 29 minute nap, and that's it. Mind you, during that time table, I was engaged in a very interesting conversation and laughing quite a lot. Where as when I did go to sleep and have several dreams, it didn't register it. Very strange since looking at everything else should certainly be giving it a hard nudge. I will give it a week to try and figure me out. I find it annoying to sleep with, so if it is pointless, I will stop doing so.

Mitochondria... It is a fantastic Friday!

Communication~ I love it, love it, love it when it flows just right and ignites~ Communication~ Stretching possibility to what is life~

Ah! I'm in a most excitable singing mood! Maybe I'll go sleep outside. What a wonderful start to the weekend!

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought.

Not edited nor proofread. All rights reserved.

Taste torment in trickles draining teardrops' salty repair. A cadaver's mercy... The flintlock fluidly conducting despair. Crawl through the ashes. Crawl, scrape, and glean. Crawl and spin madness. Crawl for your queen.

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved. ———

This morning's musical influence.

Two sweep beneath a diamond sky. Two bathe in waters warmed from brisk. Two chase the ache from mirrored eye. Two languish in a darkening kiss. Two spell the other's limbs to quake. Two map pale flesh in lip-bound thrall. Two glut on notes that screech and sate. Two swim and soar where angels fall.

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.

I'm currently laying in bed listening to the beep beep beep of reverse warning driving me insane. It's been ongoing for a while now. There is something about it that gets under my skin very quickly. I had a brief phone call distraction.

We spoke of old movies from our childhood and teens. He's four years younger than me, so there can be slight memory differences. I think he was likely allowed to watch more. He also knows all of the movie trivia, so that can be smile-inducing to listen to. I've never bothered because it takes me out of the story.

I also don't like to know what I'm going to be watching before I see it. It spoils the fun. I rarely watch a movie twice, but I think I'm going to make an exception and take a nostalgia trip, because I fell asleep watching 'Gremlins' yesterday, and there was something about it that brought me joy. A warmth I often find missing in today's cinema.

We spoke about a few different movies. I'm going to be looking up 'Flight of the Navigator' to see what adult me thinks. It reminded me of a conversation from earlier in the week where a younger friend was asking me about 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'. It did not rub her the right way.

I, on the other hand, have some very fond memories of the movie. I think I must have been very wide-eyed the first time I saw it in the early 90s. It seemed like everyone knew what was going on except for me. I got very wet that evening, and didn't know a word of the songs. The shadow cast was amazing. I was most excited to go back fully prepared and dressed appropriately. I'm going to have to have a look-see.

That's around the age where I started loosening up a little. I still hadn't fully settled into my me. We're constantly shifting and growing after all, but I began to develop a better understanding of who I was when not following the rules of conservative expectation.

My visual snow has drifted into its rarity phase tonight. It usually only gets plasma cloudy when a geomagnetic storm is headed our way. I should check on that. They're like a drifting purple fuchsia tonight. It's simultaneously extremely pretty and very disconcerting because I'm not accustomed to it. The normal red dots have been joined with blue dots, and there's larger teal flashes of what looks like around seven layers of chicken scratch fading in and out on the diagonal. When I close my eyes, it's uncomfortably intense. I guess I'll be adding some light to my darkness to try to dampen it.

These days people classify it as a syndrome or disorder. I question if it's more a neurological phenotype. It's all I've ever known after all. I should probably get off the phone. I have a few chess games to lose later. I had a mild migraine all day yesterday. It's foolish of me to be pushing it, but I say my brain can get ahold of itself and calm down. We have some research to do. (Yes, I know there's no known correlation with geomagnetic storms, but the timing is kooky.)

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved. Not edited nor proofread.

Jackals germinating swoons. Tactile termination looms. Aggrieved in graves that cloister height. We feed on spite that hides from sight.

Detonations drip disease. Malnutrition conquests deeds. Above. Beyond. Beneath our feet. How brave the factors we repeat.

Maul maw. Smile real wide. Promise truths as lies confide. Rip asunder. Create new lore. Treatise faith with raw deplore.

Grueling gauntlets grate the wise. Defend retreat and cauterize. Never fetter found pretend. Enlighten scope. Defame. Ascend.

——— Autocrats and dictators should never be admired for the narratives they try to force upon the world — no matter where they call home.

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.

Choose your version. I love Siouxsie, but I was listening to Garbage when I wrote it. I have different parts of each that I prefer musically.

The blind arrogance of cognitive biology annoys me. That's really all I have to say so as not to work myself up.

If you're someone who believes in human exceptionalism, get out and pay a little bit of attention both to humans and to other than. We are so lacking in fluency. I get the desire behind wanting to believe that way and create principles (often not applied to us) to reinforce that particular approach to thinking, but the mechanism is highly flawed.

We can do better than that. Is it really so challenging to look at data, think, question, and not follow the bloody leader out of convenience? Oops! I suppose doing so might actually make us exceptional...

Silly me.

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.