Another Year, and All That Jazz

October 10, 2026

Since I always ask myself questions around my birthday, I thought I would do so here. I don't know if I'll be posting this on my birthday or not. I don't know what questions I will be asking myself. I will probably give some LLM a convoluted prompt and see what it spits out, then select a few.

I am a woman who has circled the sun 54 times in this form. In the Wesrern (Tropical) Zodiac, I am a Libra Sun/Capricorn Rising/Sagittarius Moon with a Libra stellium. In the Vedic Zodiac, I am a Virgo Sun/Capricorn Rising/Scorpio Moon. My Chinese Zodiac is Outer Shell Water Rat/Inner Animal Metal Dog/True Self Wood Tiger/Secret Persona Fire Sheep (Goat). Since some cultures and persons believes it matters, I'm O (Negative to be precise. Don't come for my kidneys or my brain. Trust me on that.) Splash a hefty dollop of INFP and INTP confusion into the mix, and voila! You either get someone who's well-balanced or out of their ever-loving-mind. Since I'm a Libra, I see no reason not to be both. Do enjoy the visuals if you've made it this far.

53 was not easy. Many illusions were shattered. As were a few trusts. My empathetic and analytical sides were at constant odds with each other. Multiple occurrences completely outside of my control decided to waylay me. As did a few within my control. I would say that it was probably the second most challenging year of my adult life from a psychological perspective. I am not leaving it behind without a few scars. And that's just fine. Scars add depth, and we all need a little more depth if we wish to grow.

I think the most challenging aspect has been continuing to hold on to the ability to believe in others as well as myself. On the personal side, I'm very aware of the obstacles I face and how they complicate matters. On the societal side, I really struggle a lot. A lot would be an understatement. That disappoints me in myself because I do not want it to be true. There is a massive emotional part of me that needs people to be and do better. The rest of me thinks she's unrealistic and shit out of luck because humans are... human. I've developed some approaches in dealing with the duality. I'm sure their development will continue with this next year.

I think I'll find a few questions now because otherwise I'll likely share more than I want to since I use this blog/journal for me. I'm still aware other people can read it, as much as I might try to hide that awareness from myself. It gives me anxiety to be so open, but at the same time I think it a healthy practice.

1. What happened this past year that would have seemed impossible to the person twelve months ago?

No matter what, I have long held one thing to be true as a non-negotiable fact. One of those come hell or highwater, in spite of anything else, it would remain true. Like I could trust it with my life kind of true. That got annihilated in the ugliest, most unbelievable, still blows my mind a year later kind of way. I'm currently in a place where I have to acknowledge it's not really all that surprising when using hindsight and being extremely real with myself. But I also have to acknowledge that it ripped out something from within me that I had fought my own emotions to keep secure. I hope that there will come a time when I can have that belief, albeit different, burn so vibrantly within myself again, but I am unsure if that's possible. It is one of those areas where acknowledging reality and human nature utterly destroys me.

2. If the year could testify against the version of events I tell about myself, what would it bring forward as evidence?

Ouch. I'm too understanding. Even typing that makes me wince because it really goes against my belief system. I let people get away with things I'd never allow myself to get away with. Mostly because they appear to be incapable of understanding otherwise. And I've really had to look at how I see reciprocity. Not in action, but in spirit. I really want to believe the best in people. We all have flaws. Everyone makes mistakes. But humans are selfish as fuck for the most part. It's a small group who is not and who both understands and willingly sacrifices. I don't even think most are self-aware enough to realize what they do. It breaks my heart. I want to believe the opposite, but our actions simply won't allow me to.

3. What did I stop tolerating, and was that the result of wisdom, exhaustion, resentment, or some combination of all three?

The crossing of boundaries. In fairness, I definitely allowed it more than not. I would say it a result of all three. Exhaustion because it just gets that way. Most people are very one-sided on the energy suckage scale. Resentment because I find it extremely challenging to believe or accept that an intelligent person doesn't know what they're doing. Wisdom, or perhaps a step in that direction, is that to say “no” doesn't stop us from being kind, and someone getting upset with us because we draw a line does not mean we're causing harm. Sometimes we have to fight our nature. It sucks a lot, but it is just what it is.

4. Who entered my life this year and changed the questions I ask, rather than simply supplying answers?

This person did not enter my life this year, but they've been in it more. They don't take. It's just three small words, but they're eye-opening words. There is reciprocity. Not because it's called out or even required. It just is what it is. I think we both pay attention and the doing so matters. I find a comfort in that balance, and I think their own behavior has helped me to realize just how much I do tone myself down and smooth myself out for the comfort of others. It is nice to not need to do that. Not that I'm throwing my daffy side in their direction, but they get most others. I enjoy the calm, and I enjoy the thinking.

5. What would I like to know by the end of next year that I cannot know without living through it?

I hope I will get to a place where any form of dependency I might have on someone is by choice and not need. I'm working on it, and that would give me great comfort. I would like to have trust and love in a partner that I could see enjoying life with. I'd like to be able to fully be myself with someone who is doing the same, and those selves compliment each other.

That's really the big two. They're big enough on their own. Everything else is sprinkles and just fits into place. I'd like to be able to be completely at ease and loved whether I'm nerding out, ranting, questioning everything, or splattered head to toe in paint. I'd like to be able to not worry about my appearance as far as superficial nonsense goes. I'd like to be seen for my mind and heart as opposed to my appearance. I would like to be able to show my vulnerabilities and they be accepted as opposed to the constant masks. I would like to have a cat again.

I would like to hold my head high while being completely unmasked and naked and still be absolutely ok if every single person in the room screamed and ran in the other direction. If there were other equally naked individuals grinning, unmasked and doing their thing, that would be awesome.

That's my goals for this next year. They're pretty simple. Toss in all the obvious learning, volunteering, artsy endeavors, and add not imploding from the insanity of the world to the picture, and I think it pretty complete. Having lots of sex would be utterly amazing as well, but if not that is what the bottom drawer is for — I love myself. And hopefully, I will continue doing so for many years to come.

Happy Birthday (somewhere around now) to me!

PS... 54!!! I'm seriously ancient! I have chin hairs! I refuse to braid them. I've developed a deep understanding to the attraction of comfortable clothes. All joking aside, I do actually like myself for the most part. Even the parts I'd like to improve, I still accept. I am not who 18 year old me thought I would be at this age, but I'm pretty happy with the results thus far. If I come out of a box of chocolates, I am the dark chocolate covered toffee deliciousness. A nibbler might get cavities from my unexpected sweetness, but I am totally worth the bite. Watch out 55! I'm coming for you!