Bye Bye August

September 1, 2026

I should be heading to sleep on this last day of August. I want to, but I also want to write. I don't know what I want to write. I know that I don't want my notes to automatically hyperlink words that I write to something that I'm not linking it to. That makes me want to stop writing.

Today was not unexpected. There was both potential bad news and potential good news. I knew something along such lines would be coming. I was just unsure of what my response would be. There are times when I wonder if I am too understanding. It is a quality that I believe is very important to have, but it comes at a cost.

It is possible that it is a very positive thing and come January I am going to be extremely happy. It is also possible that I am just naive and too understanding. I think I've also had such a heavy dose of pragmatism invade my fairy tale mindset that maybe, just maybe, my ability to hope and believe is more than a little bit tarnished.

Perhaps, I have had too many curtains pulled back and have gotten to see what lay on the other side too often to still have the innocent, dreaming mindset I once had. Even while quite cynical. I really don't know anymore. I really don't know anymore...

I need to make a phone call tomorrow that I don't want to make. It reveals way too much of myself to persons that I don't particularly want to. It is a necessity, but I am digging my heels in hard. I have been for some time. I have tried to figure out why. Why am I so reluctant?

I think, perhaps, it is because when I got the opportunity to tell the only person in the world that it really had anything to do with, his response was...disappointing. I think that is often the case with such things. I am still glad that I told him. It was a regret I had carried for decades.

Tomorrow is different. Tomorrow I need to acknowledge it to strangers. If I'm being extremely honest with myself, I'm still debating whether or not I'm going to follow through. I recognize that I really do need to, but I do not want to. Who will win out? Need or want?

I probably need to want to give a damn. I think in general, part of me gives a damn way too much, and part of me could not give a damn at all. Such is the danger in accepting “reality.”