Grumbles and Rolly Pollies

September 1, 2026

September 1st. The year has flown by. I suppose that is what happens as we get older. My birthday is a little over a month away. I always get reflective around this time of year. Who am I? Where am I going? What have I learned in the past year? Add a few dozen other questions at bare minimum, and that pretty much sums things up, I guess.

I wonder how many people can actually answer the question of who they are honestly. Perhaps in a generalization type scenario, but does that really get to the essence of who we are? Someone once confidently stated, and meant it as a compliment, that I become whoever the person in the room needs me to be. That has stuck with me for obvious reasons. My immediate gut reaction was that that was not true at all. Then I thought deeper about it.

I don't think it is so much that I become whoever the persons in the room need me to be as it is we are very multifaceted people, or at least I am. And different situations require different facets. I do like to make people comfortable because if a person is more comfortable with themselves they become more brave in pursuing their goals. I believe in lifting people up, but also being firm in my perspective of the truth. I believe in being buoyant and adaptable while standing firm. I'm pretty opinionated, but I do listen as well. I think that is more the key. Listening.

I no longer create as much as I have most of my adult life. Most of my life, really. It isn't that I don't want to, it is more that the state of the world and the expression of persons in my vicinity cause a deep lack of inspiration. That isn't exactly right either. I think that in some ways I find it pointless. Which I know isn't exactly true. Also, where I used to inspire others, I thought I just don't want to. Does this mean I have lost myself, or that I have evolved?

Perhaps, it means there are just too damn many hurdles these days and I no longer want to jump them. Or that I no longer have the energy to be jumping them. Maybe it means I just find the hurdle jumping completely ridiculous and I want no part of it. That is probably a big part of many things.

A conversation and a movie recently had me looking at when my grandparents passed away. As well as when one of my parents passed away. All five died of natural causes. One died slightly older than me. Two died younger than me. Two died about 15 years older than me, give or take. That has really got me to thinking.

The average life expectancy for a woman in the United States is 81.4 years old. That is roughly 26 years from now. 26 years passes in the blink of an eye. I want my golden years to be filled with joy and laughter. I want the type of communication that appears to be quite rare. Sometimes, I think I want the impossible. Other times, I think it's out there, but unavailable. Other times, I think I have such a mix of contradictions and likes that I'm a bit too complex for most people. Complex, yet extraordinarily simple.

I'm talking in circles without saying a lot. I'm working on a leap of faith, but I'm not sure that I have much faith in anything anymore. I'm not even sure what I think about faith in this moment. I'm certainly not talking in a religious sense. I respect people's right to have religious faith. I think it's a total crock of delusional shit, but stranger things have happened, I suppose. Faith in my fellow man, perhaps? Not really. Look at the world. Plus everybody's being groomed to be selfish as fuck, and I just find that very off-putting.

I guess I've circled back around to my dislike of people. I think dislike is a strong word there. It's doing too much work. Perhaps I should say I am unenamured. It is strange. Isn't it? To not really enjoy most people's company. It's not a lack of enjoyment exactly. It's boredom. Absolute boredom. Not that I'm particularly exciting. I am most certainly not. There's just a lack of inquisitiveness that crushes everything.

Am I changing because I'm changing, or am I changing because my environment is absolutely suffocating? At this point, I no longer know. I'm not completely sure I care. Perhaps I am just flummoxed with the doldrums, and it will eventually pass.

-— Before I could post this, I heard a kitten crying in the deep midnight hours. Upon opening the front door of my second story apartment, I was rushed by a tiny purrball. I've spent the last thirteen hours with her. Clearly abandoned, I'm very annoyed with whoever decided it a good idea to take a six week or so kitten, clearly raised indoors, whose eyes are still blue, and abandon her on a second floor in Summer heat that's over 100° each day. I would gladly introduce them to my claws for placing such innocence in harms way.

My landlord doesn't allow pets. I've been given until the weekend to find her a good home. I'm very glad he agreed. I swiftly acquired everything I needed even before asking. She's litter-trained, etc. She is stunning, both in personality, intelligence, and visuals. I am absolutely smitten. She could easily be my familiar's daughter. It is going to be rough to say goodbye, but I'm very happy to be blessed to keep her safe, and well-loved in the interim. I really can't stand to see kittens taken from their mothers when so young.

She is currently sound asleep, smiling, flopped over on her back and curled into the crook of my arm. She has completely claimed me as hers. I must admit to finding a long-missed peace in her presence. Perhaps, we needed each other in this moment. She needs me for safety and an abundance of love and transitional education and security, and I need her to remind me of what has been absent in my life. What will one day be again, and the absolute beauty of a trusting heart.

I do not yet know where her forever home may be, but I'm going to make damn sure she's placed in hands that will do all they can to ensure she goes to a caring, responsible home, and not just the home of someone who finds a long-haired, calico powderpuff the perfect want.

My familiar was a rescue who had to learn to survive before our paths crossed. My heart breaks as I imagine what that had to take while I observe this innocent cutie. She had to have been abandoned by one of my upstairs neighbors. It would behoove them for me not to find out which one.

Her little heart patters strong against my own as she holds my hand against her. I regret that she is also going to know the loss of me. I hate my landlord and manager a bit for the unnecessary pain their intolerant rules cause, but I will make sure she knows love and confidence, and I will hope she finds a forever home worthy of her magnificence.

I am truly blessed to know her. She is Phoebe GlimmerSoul — radiant, magical, and destined to share in the love of a home who will value her for the priceless gift of life that she is.