In Restraint of Acceptance

October 14, 2026

I've woken up early, again. It seems impossible for me to get a handful of hours of sleep unless I've been awake considerably longer than recommended. Or I let the sun knock me out. I suppose that will be next week's test. I am tired.

I've really enjoyed this past week for the most part. Such pleasure makes me nervous. Sometimes it feels as if the universe is a cruel tease with its ways. Still, I cling to hope while not entirely sure there is a point in doing so.

I am... nervous (perhaps frightened) for Thursday. I've been told repeatedly that it's crucial that I don't understate things. I question my capabilities on that. “Don't understate. Don't mask. Be open. Be real.” I AM real. Real doesn't mean spilling your vulnerabilities to any Tom, Dick, or Larry who asks. (That's what public journals are for!)

The possibilities that loom before me could be life-changing in a very positive manner. That in itself is enough to place my inner-skeptic on full alert. My brain screams, “Too easy!” But I do remember a time when Fortune dallied in my corner. At least I think I do. It has been a while.

These thoughts ruffle the feathers of a memory. A promise. A blood pact that I made and then broke against my will. Briefly, ever-so-briefly, life loomed lush. My fingers swam through fertile soil, and my senses danced within nature's ambrosia. It wasn't easy, but it was fulfilling. Then it was gone — destroyed heartlessly. Blip after leafy green blip ripped asunder. I managed to send a few into safety's clutch, but not enough. Never enough.

Ah, that sounds so dramatic, does it not? I likely spent enough tears after the occurrence to drown any remains in a salty tomb. Day-after-day. Month-after-month.

My hopes. My dreams. My emergence from this prison of circumstance frolics in my peripheral. The ache to believe tugs upon the last stitches of my unraveling threads, and I dare glance in their direction. I dare envision the pathway. I dare inch forward, step-by-tenuous step, feeling stiff hips loosen towards a slinking propulsion. I dare let grimy remnants dust away with the circling breeze. I dare reach towards the spark I've so carefully bound and locked away.

The Earth turns as it always has, and always will. A wobble here and there in its self-correcting course. Current events plague the surface with a vicious bile that knows no loss of appetite, and tomorrow looms a ferocious emptiness like a beckoning void. A void that I'm unsure we can aptly circumvent. There are simply not enough willing to stop averting their eyes in denial.

Live while you can. Die where you stand. Know the lines that mustn't be crossed. That is where we're spinning. That is the future unfolding via deception and cries for compassion. I fear it unavoidable at this point. I fear too many are eager for its occurrence.

I fear... So basic, this long-term companion in my chest. It gulps down the air I breathe with an infinite appetite while I curry favor to the infinitesimal bridge still braving to keep the collapsible trudge afloat.

Sooner or later, we must all face our demons. I'm rather keen on sitting around the table with mine in an exchange of growing understanding. It's the so-called angels I'd like to have more than a few words with. After all, the view from above is almost always unnaturally skewed. It's but a matter of time before we each remove the threads knotting our eyes to the nothing.

I do not know if the void can be circumvented, but I continue to hope, to dream, and to persevere. Perhaps soon we can all know peace and sleep a sound and energizing night. Perhaps soon we shall stop being our own worst enemy and learn to follow the unwavering beat of Earth's heart.

Perhaps, but it would seem that that is where my belief jumps ship and willingly fades to black.