Journal, July 19

July 19, 2026

As of today, I have managed to keep eight pounds off overall. It's not what I wanted, but it's consistent, so I will take it. I'm trying to be easier on myself. At this rate, my goal should still be manageable by the end of the year. Since I have changed my days around in creating new habits, I think that will make it even more manageable.

The habit breaking is rough. It's getting easier, but I have a very addictive personality. I'm having to be very strict with myself so as not to stumble backwards. I'm not fond of being strict with myself. I'm also not fond of my breasts exploding out of my bras, so strict it will be. I'm still refusing to shell out $40 or more for something I have zero intention of needing very long.

Mindset is a bitch. I do not enjoy needing to be determined at this point in life. Life is not what I would like it to be, but I think that is probably the case for many. I'm thankful I have the time to complain.

As always, the news is highly frustrating and disturbing. It and my dreams stress me out. My dreams have been both extremely nice and extremely horrifying. I am not sure which is easier upon waking—the realization of something so wonderful being little more than a dream, or the memories of the unfathomably horrific and knowing that though it just a dream for me, it might not be for someone else.

It's been a little over a month since I made a few major life choices. That is what July appears to be being for me. Overall, I'm happy with them. I find my day-to-day more peaceful. I definitely hurt feelings with my choices. I own that. I'm not happy about doing so, but there are certain things I won't tolerate in my life no matter who someone is. I should have made one quite a time ago, but I made excuses for the person. That is a danger of seeing varying perspectives, and wanting to believe in people.

I think that is likely one of my biggest strengths and weaknesses simultaneously. I find it extraordinarily challenging to give up on someone. To me, that feels like a failure all the way around. However, sometimes there is very just cause for just walking away or placing considerable buffers between. I am getting better at that.

It hurts me a bit to intentionally do so. My nature is to help and heal. Going against that can be a hell of a personal challenge. As I get older, I just don't have the energy reserves I once had not to do so. Another thing I'm trying to figure out...how to keep my nature intact when life seems determined to lesson it out of me. Good thing I'm hardheaded.

I am trying to keep an optimistic mindset. It is challenging. Especially this time of year. I refuse to not succeed on that. It's possible I will fail at every other goal in life, but my spirit will not be defeated. I will have my happily ever after. I almost wrote, “Even if it kills me.” Alas, I think that'd be tempting fate a wee bit too much.