AnOublietteofThought

I have decided that tonight I am going to take a walk down memory lane, because I'm just trying to figure something out for myself. I haven't been able to let go of something that was said over the weekend. Mostly because it's been said before. Also, I do recognize it is less about me and more about this other person's perception, but that they have this perception bothers me. And I'm not sure what to make of it.

I was told that I am sexually manipulative, and that I use my overt sexuality to get my way. I know this person was just lashing out, and they have even admitted that I have not been trying to be sexual at all. But they still said it when angry, so it's in there somewhere. And because that has been said before, it really gets under my skin. I was also told that my lack of being overtly sexual is also manipulation.

I like to think that I am very careful with my sexuality. I would probably be much happier and much more fulfilled if I could be looser with it. I just can't. That is not me. I am very much a relationship kind of sexual person. There has to be connection for me, and not just “eyes meeting across the room let's go bang” kind of connection. I'm just not attracted to it. Such instances are not able to shut my mind down so that I can enjoy it. And frankly, there's just nothing superficial about intimacy for me.

My body is a temple. My mind is a temple. My heart is a temple. My soul is a temple. To offer one is to offer all, and the very idea of using it as a weapon is sacrilege to me. For someone to see kindness, support, compassion, and interest as manipulation concerns me. But then I have to realize that their life has what has caused them to see this. I also realized from some other things that have been said, that there is insecurity about whether they believe themselves good enough for me. And that breaks my heart for their sake. I have tried very hard to counter it, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to. I'm not sure that I'm okay with that.

Also, when looking backwards, I am pretty sure that I have not encountered that either. Not in that way. I have always been with men who are quite confident in themselves to one degree or another. I certainly have never been the one leading the sexual interest. Am I flirtatious? Absolutely! A good flirtation can take years off of one's age. Do I tease? Of course! Never in a manipulative pull away manner, though. Am I overtly sexual? Goodness no! I am too much of a dork to be overtly sexual. When I try to be overtly sexual, I crack myself up and just end up laughing. I don't think I could be overtly sexual if my life depended on it. Maybe for a short time, but then I would just grin really cheesy because I pulled it off. My dork-factor, when happy, has no limits.

It is true that I am touchy feely with my lover. There is an intimacy there that soothes and relaxes a man. Plus, I just enjoy showing and receiving affection. That is not manipulating. The belief is just so confusing, and I wish that I could see it. I'm trying to see it in myself.

Perhaps I have a misconception of myself. Younger me definitely could not have done that. She did not have the sexual confidence in herself to do so. I have the sexual confidence in myself. I know who I am. I know what I like. I'm not afraid to say what I like. I'm not afraid to show what I like. And I definitely make it a point to understand what my partner likes. Does that mean that I potentially come off as manipulative? Is it because I make a point of learning and understanding my partner's desires and where my partner feels pleasure and how my partner feels pleasure? Not just sexual pleasure.

I think what is throwing me about this is that I would think if your partner goes out of their way to do all of these things, and does so in a natural manner that brings the person joy, why in the world would there be insecurity? Is that a warning flag to me, or is it something that can be overcome? I have already changed my behavior because of accusations of flirtation. I enjoy lighting up a person's face. That should not be a negative thing. This sucks. It really, really sucks.

Maybe I'm not going to look back at the different men I've dated. As I write this, I think about how careful I am. I think about how I watch my wording. I think about how I don't really share my creativity with him, because I don't like the responses or lack thereof. I think of how I go out of my way to learn everything I can about his profession so that when we are speaking on important topics concerning it, I can be a good listener and have an informed discussion. That tends to get overlooked. I wonder why I am finding all of this acceptable? Have I forgotten what it feels like to share passions with another person that I am also intimate with? I think I possibly have. I think I possibly have. Meh.

I am also realizing as I write this, that part of what bothers me beyond the accusation and him not seeing me accurately is that I have pulled back my sexuality to such an extent that I am wondering does this mean I will have to keep it pulled back because even me pulled back is apparently “intense” to him? That is concerning. That is concerning.

At my age, it is not like I am going to want to rip him apart. Well, maybe. But I definitely enjoy some psychological play. I enjoy intimacy. I enjoy discovery, curiosity, the melding of two souls learning each other. I can make almost anything intimate. There's much more fun in creating intimacy out of the mundane because it's unexpected! In fact, I'd take intimacy over sexuality most days.

I don't know. The whole masculine space of today confuses the hell out of me. I wish I understood better how persons of my age group navigate it. I have spoken to both single men and women on today's dating. Especially women. I definitely would not be comfortable navigating it in the same manner that they do. It is rather humorous to be so very open and forward-thinking yet feel as if I belong in a different time. I guess I'm just a hypersexual prude. (Please don't read that clinically, dear reader.)

I have to figure out how to not allow what was said to place me on guard. I am tired of constantly squishing myself down for other people. I've squished myself so much I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore. Sexually manipulative... I am tempted to scorch him in an October Libra spotlight and let him feel what being overtly sexual would actually feel like, but that would probably be considered manipulating. Plus, he'd enjoy it too much, and I refuse to reward such a comment.

This sucks. I miss when men would charm the hell out of you and actually court a woman. Give me a Neanderthal over whatever is happening in the world today. I'm truly unsure if there's decent, available men at my age who do not flinch at the simplicity of my magnitude. That's not fair. I'm sure they exist... somewhere out there in the great beyond.

Between that and a few other things said, I just know that I don't enjoy having my loyalty and character questioned due to his insecurity. I can have compassion for insecurity. We all have insecurities. I am unsure if I still have the patience for weaponized insecurity. It makes me sad.

Clearly the comment has riled me. I don't succumb easily, nor feel a sexual tug towards someone easily. It takes a lot for me to let my guard down. A whole lot. He knows this very well. Not riled. Hurt. I strive to stay naked in our exchange. I find myself feeling like covering up. Damn it all!

(Definitely not edited into a fluid read, but that's how my journaling is. I let the words land on the page where they want to, and hopefully manage to gather something from my stream of consciousness.)

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