AnOublietteofThought

It looks like my visual snow was accurate. I thought about starting to keep a journal again like I used to for earthquakes and tornadic activity or electrical storms. I stopped a long time ago. It just makes it worse. Older me is curious though. Especially with the mitochondria. I really think it's all connected. I could be wrong, of course. But I do think it is all connected.

I am just extremely sensitive. I don't see it as a disorder, or a disability, or a syndrome. I really don't. I understand why it is overwhelming for people who suddenly start doing it later in life, but I've been this way my entire life. It is all I know. Yes, the visual snow has been much stronger the last few years. But, from a scientific perspective that would make sense considering the solar maximum.

When we look at animals and insects, we don't question when we discover that their sensory systems are different than ours. I can't help but wonder with all the different forms our ancestors came in, and with all the genes that exist in our history, could it not be that some persons are just not as desensitized to their surroundings as the majority of humans on the planet? Why do we call that something wrong? I don't feel like having visual snow or sensing these things is a wrong or a negative thing. It is who I am. It is who I have always been. It is as normal as breathing to me. To not have it would feel weird. It would be like an amputation.

Due to my age, I grew up with this before there was even a name for it. I would speak about it and nobody would know what I was talking about. The sparkles in the sky on a clear blue day were beautiful. They looked magical. It was like standing in the middle of a snow globe because all the static is going on, but then all of those sparkling squiggles come out to play. The red dots are terrifying as a child who read Stephen King. As a child whose family was religious, it brought very different thoughts to mind. Since they don't dissappear when you close your eyes, there was no hiding under thr covers and escaping them.

I think maybe some people are just more sensitive to it. It's like how some people can get shocked more easily from static. During the colder months I literally will not touch anything metal with my skin I pull my sleeves down over my hands and try other ways to open doors because it shocks the hell out of me. Dogs and cats come up to get lovins and we both get one hell of a painful shock. Is that the same? I don't think so, but perhaps a similar path. I don't know. But it's natural to me.

I can't stand to be around electricity. I don't like the way it sounds. I don't like the way I feel when I'm around a lot of electricity. I can mostly tune “normal” levels out. When I was younger and I would walk by stereos they would turn on or off. Anybody who has known me really well and lived with me or been around me a lot makes fun of me for my impact on electronics. I don't do it as much anymore. So I'm not sure if something in me has changed or something in them has changed, but newer systems aren't the same. I can't stand most fluorescent lights. I hate going into buildings because you can always feel and hear sometimes smell the electricity. And that's just normal. I don't like deep vibrations at all. My body is just really attuned to certain things and it loses its shit around them.

I would really like to go to sleep right now. I have not slept much in the last 48 plus hours, but I am wide awake. Semi-anxious but not really anxious. I feel quite calm but there is a buzzing in my body that makes me feel like I need to wear off some energy. I'm also tired at the same time, so I don't feel like trying to go do something about it. I don't know.

I just know that I feel better seeing that something occurred. Luckily the major part of my migraine from then is still staying at a lower level where I can tolerate it, write, communicate, Etc. It feels like tingles dancing underneath my scalp. Not tingles. If you're older, something that kids would dare each other to do would be to stick their tongues to a D battery. That zap that you would feel on your tongue is what my scalp feels like right now but it's under the scalp I can feel that it's under the scalp but it's a strange sensation. It's like a headache plus something else. I just know it as this is a minor migraine. It lets me know that I have to be somewhat careful because I could set it off very easily, but it does not incapacitate me.

For now my visual snow is dancing. There is the snow which is the Poltergeist static. There is the red dots, the blue dots, and some more intense white dots. There's also clouds but the clouds are black right now. Which is interesting. I can see the beginnings of horizontal stripes, but they're not bold enough yet for me to see what color they're going to turn into. I can just see the black parts of it shadowing over or behind the dots darkening those areas. There are vertical lightning flashes that are occurring on the right side. And I sense/see anything moving even with my eyes closed and a mask over them completely blocking out light. If I move my hand back and forth my brain sees it. Or rather the shadow of it. If I turn my head to look around the room, even though my eyes are closed and all of that is on top of them, I am seeing the images that I know should be there. Except it's just all different depths of black. That's not necessarily atypical for me. It's just stronger right now. The purple has showed back up it's more of a magenta purple but it's what the horizontal stripes are going to be because there's a center one that is formed and I can see the others beginning to form. So I should probably put my phone away.

That is the visual snow update. Maybe I'll start writing the journals again about such things. Maybe not. I have to decide on that. I wish visual snow researchers would really reach out to those of us who have had it from birth and have lived a half a century or more with it. Because we had it before people were thinking something is wrong with you. People just literally didn't believe us. I imagine that looking at our brains would give a lot of clues that do not exist in those who develop it later in life. Because our brains have had to adapt our entire life to it. I also bet that those of us who have had strong examples of it throughout our entire life would happily step up for such tests. Especially if it gave someone younger information that we did not have. But I don't think that anything is wrong with me for experiencing this. I think that is a perspective thing. Yes, it can make certain aspects of a modern world challenging and sometimes impossible, but that does not mean something is wrong with me or that it is a disability. It just means that my brain experiences the world differently than what has come to be expected. Different is not always a dysfunction. It's just a thought.

I think I'm going to circle back to mitochondria because it's my journal and my thoughts scatter and loop. Just something to envision and consider. I see mitochondria as the much larger, much older, somewhat equivalent to mycelium in a completely different manner. Except they're actually in mycelium as well. They go hand in hand with how I view reincarnation. We like to think of ourselves as individuals even though we know for a fact that everything on this planet and beyond is interconnected. What if individuality is just what happens when a deeply interconnected lifeform is looking at itself from the inside?

Do we blind ourselves from our own purpose and reality because we've taught ourselves to fear the process via the instructional resonance of our language? Do we hold ourselves back because “different” means accepting our own “identity” might not be absolute? And most importantly, do you listen and feel your body sing? And when you do, how good does that smile feel?

When are we going to stop talking at the fellow life of our world, expecting it to obey our “wisdom” as opposed to listening with it and nurturing an understanding of unity?

Soon, I hope. Soon.

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