Reversing Attenuation

September 15, 2026

“Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you If you're young at heart For it's hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind If you're young at heart You can go to extremes with impossible schemes You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams And life gets more exciting with each passing day And love is either in your heart, or on its way Don't you know that it's worth every treasure on Earth To be young at heart For as rich as you are, it's much better by far To be young at heart And if you should survive to 105 Look at all you'll derive out of being alive And here is the best part, you have a head start If you are among the very young at heart And if you should survive to 105 Think of all you'll derive out of being alive And here is the best part, you have a head start If you are among the very young at heart” -Frank Sinatra ——— I've never been a Sinatra fan, but this song holds a place in my being. I grew up chasing fairy tales. My life was anything but, yet I believed. I believed with every inch of my being...I think that just comes with the window of time I was born in.

Life has really tested that belief and damn near dared me to stay “young at heart.” Of all the things that have occurred, it is the past decade that has come closest to canceling out that belief. I have experienced the most physical and emotional pain I've ever experienced in my life during this past decade. Each have certainly left their mark.

At the beginning of this past decade, I stood outside of the castle at Disney World with dusk upon us. No. I sat. I was in a wheelchair. That was a bittersweet pill to swallow. However, it meant I was closer to the castle. Fireworks flared, lights danced up and down the turrets, and tears streamed down my cheeks. It was magical. Memory after memory flickered through my mind. It could have been perfect, but it wasn't. The person I was there with was grumpy at best the entire time. I had a lot of realizations on that trip. One day I will return with the correct person and experience it as it should be.

I had a surgery that made me wish for death every minute I was conscious for almost two weeks following. Time moved very slowly then. I was moving out of my home immediately after that into a place I hadn't realized beforehand was going to push my hyperesthesia to the brink. My waking nightmares glitched hard, and I had to apologize to neighbors for screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night, and explain to ignore me and please don't call the police. That was mortifying. I had my first international trip and held my own at international airports by myself without getting overwhelmed. (A small step for others, but a big leap for me at the time.) I got my heart trampled a few times, my reality shattered, my trust annihilated, I got extremely sick, and I learned what isolation really means. Complete and total isolation minus necessary medical appointments that felt like torture...for years.

I lost weight in a healthy manner until I was as small as or smaller than when I went into the military and felt the best I had felt in decades for a few years, and then I went back online and gained it all back. Plus ten pounds or so.

During all of that and more, I managed to stay young at heart for the most part. Or so I told myself. I think a more accurate description would be that I managed to barricade that part of me away as the survivor inside me rose to the surface. Perhaps “partially rose” would be more accurate. Today's society makes it damn challenging to stay “young at heart” for anyone with half a brain and a smidgen of empathy. Damn challenging.

Once upon a time, I had beliefs. Romantic beliefs. Social beliefs. Professional beliefs. Each got immolated. What bit of innocence I had somehow maintained and carried with me was well and fully scoured away. I could feel myself losing the spirit within that I had been so determined to maintain. I was and have become a shell of my former glory in some ways. In other ways, I've grown stronger.

I now find myself standing at a threshold once more. The young-at-heart believer is peering out of my eyes knowing that all of her dreams are possibly about to come true if she will just believe and glow. The survivor is skeptical, but acknowledges the very real probability. I am tired. More so because I realize just how much I've dampened my me. Reigniting is scary.

Most people no longer believe in fairy tales. The thing is, fairy tales were never kind. They were horror stories. You survived them or you didn't. Both results came with extreme life lessons. Life lessons have a way of turning people bitter. Bitter is something I refuse to be. Cynical? Absolutely. A smartass? You betcha! Young at heart? I really hope so.

At this moment, I am frozen. I understand what's possibly happening, and exactly what that means. I am hopeful, but hope is a frightening thing. The world tends to prefer making hopeful things go splat. The upside of going splat is covering everything in your zany belief cooties until all dour hesitation and grumbly gristle-gummers are floating towards clouds of optimism as if someone shoved a helium balloon up their backside. (Please don't do that.)

I suppose it is time to tune my belief back where it belongs. How many flickers does it take to get to the center of a...Oh! There I am...