The Unresolved Do

October 28, 2026

I'm charging my larger clippers. It's been almost two years since I completely shaved my head. I've gotten into a habit of doing it every two or three. I'd probably keep it shaved did my vanity not stop me from doing so. I also tug on my hair as a stem, so being able to tangle my fingers in it helps.

I don't know. I'm tired. Not caving to social expectation is positive for self-improvement, but I do hesitate. From a sensory standpoint, I can't stand having hair. From a feminine standpoint, I'd say it's pretty impossible for me to hide my femininity. From an accepted standpoint, I know that in spite of what's been told to me by multiple persons over time, the result is always similar.

Being aware of that means I must ask myself if I'm subconsciously demonstrating a test. I don't think that I am. However, a straight woman who does not have cancer, but is walking around with a shaved head is a societal test whether intended or not. I should probably just do it and then tend with whatever outcomes come with it. Including my own.

I think that I'm aware that I tend to make this choice when I'm in the process of accepting something I see before it's actually happened. That does not bring me comfort. At the same time, I am not sure that the kind of comfort I need or seek actually is available in the world. Perhaps I am just tired of asking for it.

I cried the first time I cut my very long hair off at eighteen. It was a shock and I had always been complimented on the wealth of fine blond tendrils. I cried again many years later when I took my ex's clippers to my hair because a beautician had badly burnt my scalp. Again and again, I've shaved my head. I cried happy tears a few years ago because it was a choice. My choice.

I don't know if I will cry if I do it this time. What am I shedding with this exhaustion? Is my why an action or an excuse? Will I regret or celebrate it? I do not know the answers. I think that is the only reason I really hesitate. I also am unsure if I still care. That bothers me.

The thing is, from an outsider perspective I can acknowledge that I am what is considered physically attractive. Especially if I choose to play it up. I never saw myself that way growing up, so I don't really think of myself in that manner now, but I'd also be blind to deny it. Full lips, large almond blue green eyes, high cheekbones, prominent cupid's bow, hourglass figure. I'm aware that I check the boxes. I'm also aware that while I want the person I'm with to find me physically attractive, it's probably the last thing I want them to notice.

I know. I know.

I wonder if part of what I'm currently going through is subconsciously pushing me towards wanting to visually detract from my femininity. I don't think so, but I also can't deny it a possibility. The irony, of course, is that it absolutely doesn't work. I think I'm just exhausted of needing to be someone I'm not. Perhaps I've fooled myself into ever knowing who I am to begin with.