Update, 8-23

August 23, 2026

It is that time of the week where I do my weekly update without really saying anything. This one will be much the same.

This past week was rough. There were a few days that were exceptionally rough. The week isn't just a blur. Really the whole month is a blur. This morning, someone I speak to every day, said that this is the first day in a month where I sound like myself. I was admittedly slightly offended because I thought I do very well at hiding when I don't feel well. And I have made extra effort to do so. I'm going to have to work on that.

I don't have a lot to say on it all. I haven't had this kind of stomach issues and migraines in a while, I think. Not for so long. It's still not over. But at least it's livable right now. There was one day, where I would not have minded if it had just taken me out.

I get eyes rolled at me quite a bit or told I'm being too sensitive when I say I can't do something or I can't eat something. I get why people think that. If it's minor and I've been really strict with myself for months, the discomfort that it will cause me is not something that I really show or acknowledge even to myself because I just don't acknowledge pain until it reaches certain levels. When you live with very high levels of chronic pain for decades and you have experienced extreme amounts of acute pain, your brain and nervous system kind of starts to rewire what pain is to you.

For me, personally, there seems to be a line. I think I am subconsciously aware that things are there, but it doesn't register for me to do something until it's close to that line or has already passed it. At that point, it is too late. My ex used to say to me that he did not understand how I could be so sensory sensitive on the one hand, but completely oblivious on the other hand.

It's kind of true that I am like that. I can feel the most subtle of breeze or vibration in a room, but not realize that I'm getting too cold until I am already spasming extremely hard from being too cold. In fact, sometimes I feel hot and want to be colder. Right now I want to be colder. It is 65° in my apartment. I should be fine. I am this close to sweating. If I start sweating I will break out into hives. Alas, I actually need to turn my AC up because the morning is starting and dropping your temperature by 40 and 50° makes the AC very unhappy.

I am rambling just so I don't have to say anything. This time was bad. I really can't eat such things out of convenience. It sucks whenever you're hurting so bad that you really aren't capable of standing up very long. I do have food in the freezer that has been prepped and cooked. Absolutely delicious food. The very thought of it makes me nauseous. That is concerning, because it is my main staple. I'm not sure what to think about that right now.

Let's see... mental health. Where is mine? Probably okay until I start thinking. Thinking can get you in trouble sometimes. Especially if you are fond of understanding things. There is bliss in ignorance. I don't know.

I also got invited to go somewhere this week that would be nice to go to. I said no. I really don't get in cars with strangers. I especially do not go off on a long distance trip with strangers. Even if I do know one person that would mean that I am subject to someone's rules that I don't know and dependent upon them for safety for an extended period of time. That is really not in my wheelhouse. I understand that people do it all the time, but I am not those people. There is a very good reason why I have not placed myself out there in the dating pool extensively. I trust no one. 🤣

I did do the trust thing a few times. I don't think the guy realizes when I said that I think he might chop me up into little pieces that I was being serious. Jokingly serious. I really just don't like to be dependent upon someone if I don't trust them explicitly. Very humorous, really. I'm going to have to get over that. Or maybe not.

In my youth, I went to places with people I barely knew quite often. As well as in my early adulthood. I was in a lot better shape then. Also, ignorance is bliss. Even still, I was always wary. I don't know. I also paid for it a few times. I have paid for it with people I've known exceptionally well, also. I guess it is little wonder why I am the way I am today, but I do understand that most people don't quite grasp it.

There is a beauty to aging. There are also things that suck about it. Seeing the world more clearly, really sucks. I used to laugh when people would say that a decade makes a difference. I was quite mature for my age when I was younger. But, I would say that every decade does seem to make quite a bit of a difference. Not for everyone. For persons like myself, I think it does.

Some people will perpetually be 13 years old both in actions and thoughts. I wonder what my 60s will bring me. I would acknowledge it partially scares me. I do not like the idea of being old and less capable in a society and world that is determined to destroy everything. I do not like it at all. I think I am better coming to terms with it, though.

I did not keep up with my chores well this past month and it shows. I think I should consider that. Anyway, I lost a pound. One would think I would have lost more, all things considered. I don't really care either way at the moment. I'm very tired and still in a considerable amount of pain. I would happily gain several pounds back if it would just give me some energy.

With all of that said, I am in a positive mindset, and I'm determined to have a good day.