Weekend Thoughts

September 28, 2026

Tonight I am rattled. I thought I had gotten past being able to be rattled by projection, but I clearly haven't. It sucks to know that someone is likely just verbally lashing out due to their own stress, but they take things so far that it can't be unheard.

I am just not emotionally equipped for the whiplash. I can feel it, or I can numb down, both acknowledging and burying at the same time. It makes me so very tired.

I think I just have to accept that this is part of that person's personality as it has happened numerous times over the last handful of years. But so many promises along those lines were broken tonight.

In the books I'm reading, one of the main characters constantly silently says to himself, “You will not break me.” I don't know how many times I've said that to myself over the last decade or more. A lot. I was taught to put on a brave face, smile, and never let them see you sweat. I've occasionally broken those rules and lived to regret it.

I am concerned about my emotional response. I am concerned about my analytical response. I dislike the emotional manipulation. I simultaneously understand and don't understand it, but that doesn't help. It just makes things worse.

I am trying to carefully journal to get it out of my system without really saying anything too detailed. Trust is so very important to me. Intentional destruction severs something inside of me. I don't really get upset over minor breaches. Everybody screws up at some point. The big ones are a whole other ballgame. Tonight had extra innings. Look at me using sports metaphors like I have a clue about what I'm saying.

As I write this out, I realize that I do not like the position this places me in. I really do not like the position this places me in. I try to be like the Lotus — rooted in earth, flowing with water and air. I think I grow weary of the dance, and wish to sink back into the chilling, dark depths of a solitary escape.

I have been told by more than one person that I simultaneously over-empathize and over-intellectualize. I can't argue that. It has long been my default setting. To do anything other takes a lot of willpower and effort on my part. I've been placing real focus on “compassionate boundaries” the last year or so. Setting up boundaries for this particular person is just really challenging. Really, really challenging. Sometimes it feels like in order to find peace in this world, a person must barricade themselves beyond the stratosphere. A dangerous act of self-innihilation for sure.

I made myself sleep and have started my day. I dither between vacancy and expulsion. Is it possible to truly become tapped out? I think maybe it is. I know that the fire still burns within. I can feel it there — a slumbering coal in wait. But I am unsure if I desire to kindle. My worldly observations are not for the faint of heart, and the instinct to retract my energy is overriding the illusion of hope's success. I wonder if this is what it feels to be the walking dead.

Mask back in place, I ready myself for another step. I am becoming void. Just one... more... surrender...