AnOublietteofThought

For the majority of this past week, my focus was on Phoebe. I am in a unique position to be able to make that happen, so I did. As I sit here thinking about it, I realize that I was doing more than I consciously really allowed myself to think about. I think I swiftly processed the situation and then started putting in parameters to ensure that she would have the best possible outcome available once I was not there to provide it.

Aside from outside noise, the obnoxious AC, or other people's noise coming through the walls, my apartment is silent most of the time. I will have music playing sometimes, or put on a movie, but that is not the constant. Also, if I'm listening to music I usually have noise-canceling headphones on. For me, I prefer a room as quiet as I can possibly make it, generally speaking. My wind chimes are a constant, both outside and inside my apartment. I find it peaceful. They straight up lower my anxiety levels. I even dangle them from the canopy bar of my bed. Every subtle movement creates an almost imperceptible chime. If I really want it to trill for a bit, I just have to shake my bed. Phoebe really enjoyed that.

I say all of this, because I know that noise can be a big factor with anxiety in cats. They get accustomed to what they are around. I did not know how loud or quiet the environment she would be going into would be. So I did something to try to prepare her as best as I could. The television was on most of the time with various background sounds from a variety of movies and programs. Including those with animals. At certain times I would also play storms so that she could hear thunder, lightning, and rain and not be bothered. Obviously, I could not create the physical sensations of it but at least the sound became predictable for her. A brief pop-up had startled her early on, and made me think on it.

There were a variety of endeavors I sought to teach her. From grooming herself, to not attacking things that might break because most people won't handle that well. To comprehending the effect of her actions. For example, getting her claw stuck in something. Instead of rushing to fix it, I gave her time to figure out how to fix it herself while still being there and supporting her in the effort. After all, it important that she's able to do that and also distinguish danger. She learned part of using a litter box is not pouncing or walking through what she just defecated. At least she's working on it. No point in announcing everything, but I think/hope I was able to seamlessly demonstrate a variety of lessons in our day-to-day interaction and play.

She spent Friday night with my ex, and went to her new forever home on Saturday afternoon after spending the day in my ex's area of his office. He said he closed off the area with cubicle partitions and let her do as she liked inside it. I am told that after about 15 minutes of riding in the car she got curious and started observing as well as playing, and then sleeping in her carrier. That once arriving at where he lives, she ate, used the restroom, explored, investigated him, played, and went to sleep. He says they played quite a bit and she happily pounced and did the little hunting scenarios that is play for cats. He says that she snuggled with him the way our cats would snuggle with him when they chose to sleep beside him. Which was curled up in the crook of his armpit. He, too, has a soft spot for animals. Cats in particular. I'm sure he was also doing what he could to help her thrive.

I have been told she tried to groom his beard a few times, and that she did not once run from nor try to hide from him. And that she intentionally sought out being petted. She does really enjoy being stroked and petted. I am also told that she was a very big hit at work, which I am sure she was, because she is the epitome of cuteness. He said that pretty much everyone came to see her, and that instead of running away or being uncomfortable, she chose to pounce and show affection towards others. He says she got a lot of loving from a variety of people and ate up every second of it as opposed to being scared or nervous by it. That the entire business was eating out of the palm of her paw, including the woman she was going home with.

He also said that she hit it off really well with that woman, and she snuggled and purred away on her chest. He reassured me, again, that it was a very cat-loving home, and that from how the woman spoke of her prior cats that it sounded like she treats her cats in the manner that we treated ours. Which means they are spoiled rotten and family. Not pets. That is everything that I could want for her. So I really hope that it is true. He sent me photos. Her demeanor was very unstressed. So that gives me hope.

One of the many highlights of our time together was her discovery of herself. She likes to climb, and she also liked to play in the litter box if left to her own decision making about it. So I closed the door to my bathroom. She would go to it if she needed to use the restroom. To which I would then open it, and everything would happen. On the bedroom facing side of the door, I have a full length mirror. In front of the door beside one of my bookshelves, I have a closed fabric laundry hamper. I just so happened to have a hard laundry basket on top of it, because sometimes I just leave it there instead of bringing it back to my laundry area. Because she likes to climb, she would climb up the laundry hamper and jump into the plastic basket because it was like a giant slip-and-slide for her. Basically, she could go wild in it. I was very concerned she was going to knock it off, so I put it on the floor for her to go wild in. She still likes to climb, so she did. Which left her with a large space on top of the hamper lid to play on. It also gave her a very clear view of her reflection.

Initially, she did think it was another cat. She approached. She pounced backwards. She did the skitter jump-walk. She batted at it. She meowed for my attention. Etc. I could tell that she didn't quite know what to make of it. That she recognized there was a cat there that wasn't there. At one point, she started trying to look around the other side of the mirror. I stepped in shortly after that.

I picked her up and stood in front of the mirror and demonstrated petting her while continuing to speak to her, and telling her that it was her and me. While she was playing with it prior, I was also telling her that it was her. Once I felt her relax in her observation, I placed her back atop the hamper and let her explore a bit more herself. She walked up to the mirror and placed her paw upon it. She looked back at me then back towards her reflection and at her paw. She walked from one end to the other, watching her reflection. I told her that she was beautiful wasn't she? That she was very smart. And I asked her what she thought of her reflection.

She double-checked again in multiple ways to make sure that it wasn't a real cat. She used her paw upon the mirror in multiple ways, and turned this way and that looking at herself. I watched as realization dawned upon her. I witnessed her exploring her own reflection and comparing what she saw in the mirror to what she saw as she would look at herself. And I heard her happy purrs rev up the more she understood what was happening. When I asked her what she thought about it all, she ran up into my arms and gave my jaw a nip, then looked back over her shoulder at the reflection of the mirror. She seemed exquisitely happy. After that point, she gained some type of confidence that appeared to firmly center her within herself. It was a wonderful thing to witness.

I think that this past week also demonstrated my lack of trust in others, and the depth of my control issues with my environment and various scenarios. I have had to acknowledge, and am still in the act of acknowledging, how much it is driving me insane that I cannot control the outcome of her environment to ensure that she knows only happiness and contentment. I was able to give her some skills to help her adapt, but I have no control over what is occurring where she now is. I admit that the unknown of that is driving me a little bit insane, but I am working through it.

He told me that though I am always in the moment and focus absolutely on who or what is there, that he learned my mind is always at least a dozen steps ahead of that moment subtly adjusting everything for the best possible outcome. I do not think that is actually true. Partially, yes. I do think it's very dependent upon the situation. I also think a lot of it is subconscious, and I don't realize that I do it. I do know that having no way to understand what environment she was going to find herself in has driven me nuts. Preparedness is very important to me. As is the ability to think on the fly. I really hope that she will have both the confidence in herself, and the ability to do those things. I admit that I am still following possibilities through my mind, and contemplating how she might respond.

She is self-aware. Has learned how to demand her outcome and speak up for her wants in a situation. She is fully capable of wrapping a human around her paw just by being her adorable self, and I made sure to hone her hunting instincts a bit more. Obviously, everything still needs practice, but she's been given the encouragement on how to take in a room and either observe or own it. She understands the value of tenderness, and I am pretty sure she has learned that sometimes using her claws is the better reaction.

I think that my lesson in this week has been that we have to sometimes acknowledge that we can only give our best within the parameters of a situation, and that those parameters might suck. I know this. I have known this. Accepting it for myself is much easier than accepting it for someone else. Especially if that someone else is a teeny tiny bundle of fur.

Because I have not slept well, and her departure increased my stress, it should not have surprised me to experience a few hypnagogic hallucinations as I crossed the threshold towards sleep. It is something I do on occasion, though it is infrequent. I have felt my own cats before, and seen them, though they passed on some time ago. I felt her both Friday and Saturday when I went to bed. Both were very brief, but very clear moments.

When these things happen, part of me wishes to believe that it is real. Before I learned about such hallucinations, I did think it was real. Every aspect of sensory stimulation is there. Were I blindfolded and not aware that she actually was not in the room, I would have thought it really happened. The moments feel that real. However, the more I read about the brain, the more I am unable to have such beliefs. Sleep, and the thresholds crossed to and from it, are very intriguing. I am very enamored with understanding reality. The word itself is humorous. That is far too deep of a topic to begin writing on after I've already written so much already.

I think this week has been good for me. Caring for her was without a doubt a precious gift to me. I would not trade it for the world, and I'm really really happy that I got to bathe her in an abundance of love and affection.

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